There are plenty of articles about how to improve relationships at your game table, and to make things fun. What about when you want to take things in the other direction? Not everyone wants a fun game, or a workable game dynamic. Let’s take a look at a few easy things you can do to make sure your tablemates are completely miserable.
Do not listen to what your players want in a game
This is your game. You have an idea for a story, and that story is going to happen regardless of what characters have to be shoehorned in. Let those miserable jerks deal with it. Do not under any circumstances adapt the setting to include story or setting ideas that players come up with for their background. Do not tailor combat and social encounters to the skill and desire of the players. This is basically a novel you’re writing, not an interactive story or an experience to be shared among friends.
Play the character you want to play, regardless of setting or group dynamic
This is your character, and no one is allowed to restrict your ability to choose what it’s going to be. The rest of the group can balance themselves, but you’re a lone wolf who walks alone and lives by his own rules. And don’t we live in a free country (as I’m assuming anyone with the ability to read this website probably is)? How dare the GM or other players limit your ideas in any way. Do not under any circumstances allow the GM to remove even one race or class due to setting or personal taste, and make sure to whine endlessly about how they’ve ruined your idea completely if they even try. Do not ask your tablemates what sort of character they’re making in order to avoid stepping on each others’ toes. Stomp away, and may the loudest one win!
Only focus on the loudest and most experienced players
Sometimes people are shy when they are new to the hobby, and sometimes people are simply quiet or enjoy the roleplay experience for different reasons. This is stupid. Only reward and attend to players who are loud and engaged and demand the most attention from you. Do not make a list of players at the table and put a check mark next to each name to get a good idea of who is hogging your attention and who needs more attention. Do not go out of your way to encourage new or shy players. We don’t need anyone else in this hobby. Tables and events are crowded as it is.
Refuse to allow anyone else to GM the table
The role of Game Master is on a first-come first-served basis, and once a GM calls dibs on a table, all other GMs are out of luck. Make sure you never allow interested players to GM a session of a campaign, and do not encourage new GMs at all. Do not engage in round-robin GMing, do not alternate weeks to allow others at the table to tell their stories. Burnout is not a real thing, and neither is GM narcissism. There are too many GMs in the pool as it is. If someone else GMs a game, do not enjoy it or quietly allow them their time. Instead, make loud complaining noises and tell them how inferior their style is compared to your own, then demand that they give back the throne.
Never have a difficult, honest conversation with a tablemate
Discussing feelings, expectations, or desires is worthless. You know what works better? Passive-aggressive behavior. Dirty looks. Skipping or cancelling sessions at the last second. Loud sighs at the table. Getting up and going into the other room to play on your phone. If this all adds to a screaming match or a Cold War, so much the better. Do not talk to your tablemates like normal people. Do not frame your discussions in terms of your feelings or interests. Do not provide solid feedback coupled with compliments on strengths. It’s better to be miserable and silent than to ever have a real conversation.
Challenge every ruling
The most important part of these games is the rules. Without the rules, it’s just a bunch of people sitting around. If your GM isn’t sure of a rule and makes a ruling on the fly, STOP THEM IMMEDIATELY. Open every book and begin looking for multiple instances of the rules. Grab the other players and have them do the same thing, so that no one can continue a scene. Do not wait for a break or the end of the session to explain the rule to your GM, because it will be too late and the game will already be completely ruined.
Expect perfection from each person at your table
Every person who is allowed to play at your table should at least have the decency to memorize the rules to every system you enjoy. At the very least, they should make sure their gaming style is identical to yours, and that they only enjoy the aspects and situations which you enjoy. Make sure to hold players and GMs to the highest possible standard, not as friends, but as liabilities and obstacles to your own enjoyment. Remember, anyone else’s enjoyment probably comes at the expense of your own. Do not make allowances for GMs who don’t remember the rules perfectly or haven’t had the experience to learn to make quick rulings. Do not accept alternate play styles which completely ruin the game for you by making you talk or fight or not fight, whichever you feel like during that particular session. Do not say kind things or withhold hurtful comments about other peoples’ play style or character concept or in-game choices. You are here to enjoy the game, and if you’re not delirious with euphoria and receiving full attention at every moment, the evening has been wasted.
Refuse to allow any changes to be made
Once a game is started, that’s the end of changes. No GM should be allowed to change how a mechanic works, even if they claim it’s broken or that it’s ruining the fun for the other players. If this happens to you, complain loudly at every opportunity that the GM has completely ruined your character. Insist that this single mechanic is the hinge upon which your entire character turns, and that without it you may as well not be playing. Do not allow changes that balance the game so that everyone else can enjoy it. Do not make flexible characters built on more than one broken mechanic. Do not look at other skills to see what your character can do in the altered model.
Don’t follow any suggestions on building stories with your group
The best campaigns just sort of fall together. No planning is needed, no conversations need to be had, and no one but the GM needs to be involved in any story or setting decisions. Do not look on the internet for other articles which may show you how to improve your group dynamic. Do not consult with other GMs about issues, because their experience has nothing to do with your situation at all. Do not utilize any part of The Mad Adventurers Society website to help you learn to improve your game in areas like plot, engagement, story ideas, encounters, characters, or group dynamic. Do not listen to the plethora of podcasts devoted to this topic, such as potelbat.
There are so many ways to ruin your gaming experience. It’s possible that one or two readers have even encountered a difficult player or GM who knew exactly how to drive their group to complete misery. If anyone out there has even one story to tell, let me know in the comments below.