Much is made on forums about “Is this group right for me?” and “What should I do about this player?” These questions are not at all unique to the field of roleplay gaming. These are questions which pervade all of human society. “Should I keep this romantic partner?” “Should I keep this employee?” “Should I maintain contact with my family?”
Let’s boil down some of the factors in this topic, and see if we can cut to the quick of what’s going on.
First things first: A discussion on passive-aggressive behavior
The first known instance of human violence took place when a man named Dirk told a man named Og to stop stirring the fire, because it was too warm in the cave. Legend tells us that Og quickly hurled Dirk into the fire. Dirk’s friend Erg, sitting next to him, learned an important lesson. The next time the cave was too warm, he sat making increasingly frantic hand-waving motions at his face and panting loudly while asking other people if the cave felt warm, hoping that Og would get the hint and decide to stop stirring the fire on his own. Thus, Erg invented passive-aggressive communication.
The above story is obviously not true, but it clearly illustrates the point I’m trying to make. Passive-aggressive behavior exists as an alternative to potential direct interpersonal conflict, which is oftentimes frightening. No one wants to be tossed into the fire.
Beyond physical problems with being punched in the face or torched, passive-aggressive behavior serves as an odd tool to maintain social cohesion. Evolutionary Psychology teaches us that human beings have adapted to survive by maintaining close social bonds with those around us. Through these bonds we gain tangible benefits like shelter, warmth, food, and being less likely to be attacked by a predator because there are plenty of other juicy targets around. However, we also receive intangible benefits, such as stress reduction, feelings of safety, and companionship.
Passive-aggressive behavior serves a purpose here by allowing a (seeming) way out of conflict while saving face and reputation. We instinctively know that if Bob grabs our dice without our consent and we break his nose in response, the group is going to consider casting us out. Passive-aggressive behavior allows us a socially safe outlet for our frustration, and a way to strike back at Bob by gaining public support for our side. It also allows us to hurt 7-foot 350-pound steroid-popping Bob in a way that will prevent him from hurting us back while keeping our good standing with the group. If Bob turns around and breaks our nose for the small passive-aggressive behaviors, the group will cast him out instead. The key here is that passive-aggressive behavior is something that can be justified at a moment’s notice, in case we need to explain why it isn’t our fault that Bob snapped back at us.
This sort of interaction also allows us to keep our relationships intact and comfortable without risking breaking them up every time there’s a problem. If I hint strongly at Bob that I don’t like his behavior while providing some painful social consequences, he may learn not to touch my dice without my consent. Problem solved, and no open conflict was risked. Bob and I can go back to being group companions without any open problems between us.
Passive-aggressive behavior is a safe means by which we can deal with social rivals without breaking the rules of the group and being punished. It prevents us from having to enter open violence to resolve direct confrontation with our rival. It also provides us an outlet for unresolved frustration, because that energy has to go somewhere.
Now that we have a grasp on why it is so easy to slip into passive-aggressive behavior, let’s look at what damage it does.
Passive-aggressive behavior: I was only trying to help the situation
Passive-aggressive behavior undermines your relationship with the perceived rival you’re targeting. They learn not to trust you, because you are looking to lower their social status or cast them out of the group. Remember that, evolutionarily speaking,being a member of the group equates in a twisted, instinctive way to a form of survival. You are now threatening that person’s relationships with their close friends. Worse, you refuse to have a normal conversation or try to work out the problems directly. Over time, the other group members may shift from initially supporting the passive-aggressive person to seeing them as a threat to group survival. It turns out that solutions which work are kind of habit forming, and when we learn that passive-aggressive behavior can score us a win, we turn to it more often. This makes the people around us fearful.
This sort of pattern is why you see passive-aggressive people start out as being very popular in a group, making a lot of contacts and allies. Someone ticks them off and they begin turning the more malleable group members to their side. Eventually, the whole group gets sucked into an argument about whether or not the rival takes up too much elbow room at the table. The initiator may win this argument, but eventually their relationships with each of their allies will end up the same way. The group detonates or, sometimes, manages to push out the passive-aggressive member and reform with the surviving members, and one nasty new enemy outside.
As it turns out, not all confrontations lead to being roasted alive over the fire. Actually, confrontations occur all day, every day, everywhere in the world. Your boss stopping you in the hallway to remind you to include the company header on your next report? Confrontation. Your partner asking you to give them a quick hand around the house? Confrontation. Asking your buddy to scoot over on the couch to give you more room for your butt? Confrontation. Turns out that the ability to engage in proactive social confrontation in a productive manner is a mark of maturity and leadership. It is too easy for our brains to jump straight to the worst possibility. We tend to forget that the other individual is a living, breathing person who is just as concerned that we’re going to toss them into the fire. People want to be connected, and they want to work out problems.
But enough about all this psychological crap. Let’s talk about how you can make your decision in a clear, rational, frontal-lobe sort of way.
What did they say when you talked to them?
In this case, I’m assuming that you are going to talk to the individual/group. If you’re not going to, then you are probably going to repeat the problem in your new group. There is no substitute for direct communication with a person. And, remember that most confrontations actually encourage relationship growth and group improvement. Instead of throwing you into the fire, they may react with horror to know that they’ve offended you. One conversation can make the difference between a miserable group and a fantastic party dynamic.
If the person or group is totally receptive to what you’re saying, that really counts for something. Keep open the lines of communication. Get the rest of the group involved in a way that doesn’t demean or expose the other individual. Remember that he isn’t your rival, he’s your friend; a friend you shouldn’t toss out for the tigers to eat. If the person or group is resistant to your issues, belittles you, or justifies their behavior, that should be a very clear answer as well.
The way this conversation goes should help you make your choice. Just suck it up and have the damned conversation already. Nothing is going to change in this or any other group until you start having real conversations and confrontations.
What is this group/person contributing to my experience?
Many times we get stuck on the fact that we have a relationship with an individual/group, as if that relationship is impossible to dissolve. When looking at what value that individual/group provides, we need to be objective. Am I getting enjoyment out of the interaction? What is the purpose of our gatherings, and how often is it fulfilled? Am I receiving harmful consequences for this interaction? What is this interaction costing me?
You need to ask yourself: Is this gaming group intended to be fun? Am I having fun? Do I come home miserable? Are my other relationships suffering for this interaction? Am I burning out on gaming because of this relationship? Am I spending gas and food money on an activity which I’ve grown to despise?
Oftentimes we are paralyzed because we aren’t sure how to objectively assess a situation and make a decision. Where do I begin on judging my relationship with this person? How do I even measure something like that? The above questions should help narrow down what’s important. If the answer is, “Yes, I come home miserable and fight with my partner over stupid things after every session when we normally don’t fight at all,” it’s pretty clear that the solution is to prioritize marital harmony and tell the group you aren’t going to be able to make any more meetings.
What are my options?
One part of getting out of a bad relationship is finding what other options are available. Remember the instinctive fear that being alone means we will get eaten by a tiger? Finding other social options means that you will be more comfortable about removing yourself from the offending group. Make contacts at the local gaming store, if you’re lucky enough to have a big gaming environment and a good store. If not, look around and make those contacts elsewhere. Poke around on gaming forums until you find people reasonably close to your location, and connect with them. Having a new group may provide the impetus needed to get you out of your group.
Is it worth all of this?
Sometimes, we rational people get drawn up into tiny conflicts which ultimately mean nothing. Sometimes we’re bored, or stressed about work, or feel vulnerable and are looking for an ego boost. Before you start the process of tearing apart your group, ask yourself: what’s the real problem here? If the problem is that the group is being rude to you, or that an individual is prioritizing their own fun over the enjoyment of the group, then you have an actual problem. If the issue is that you feel the other group members don’t provide drinks often enough, you may want to tone down your rage. Get some outside perspective on this issue with someone (not in the group) who will give you a straight answer (See? You like it when people are honest and direct with you). Or, once again,
TALK TO THE OTHER PERSON/PEOPLE INVOLVED AND GET THEIR PERSPECTIVE.
Every experienced gamer is going to be able to give you advice on something like this. Heck, any person over thirty is likely to be able to give you some solid advice on how to handle social problems, because they’ve got at least thirty years of experience dealing with crappy situations. Let’s hear below from some people who know how to resolve table discord.